I’m letting it out…

I haven’t updated this thing in a while. Not sure if it really matters…

Anyway, I feel quite settled in. Natalie’s a lot of fun, but because she’s quite a bit younger, I feel like all I’m ever around is uni students. It makes me wish that I would have had that experience, but at the same time, at that point in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I don’t think that people really wanted to be around me then either. It feels like such a long time ago at times, and when I think about it, it’s hard to imagine I was in such a dark place. I’m 28, and it feels like I’m only just growing up now. Starting my life. Living even. It’s weird thinking about how for so long, I blocked everyone out. I think about how my friend Stephanie was really just trying to help me, but I wouldn’t let her. It’s weird that we knew each other all our lives, and then now, because I was so selfish, I pushed her away. I guess from her end, she just had to decide to leave me alone and move on, probably with loads of hurt that I’d caused her. It’s funny how you don’t just hurt yourself when you’re depressed, but you end up hurting those around you.

I let everything that happened get to me way too deeply. Of course, experiencing the murder of your father right before your eyes is something that will run deep within every fiber of your existence (and make you question it, too) and I suppose being sixteen, I didn’t know what to do with all those feelings, but it hurts me more every time I think about how I let that pain and guilt rule my life for more than 10 years. I wasted so much time, and in a way that my father wouldn’t have wanted me to live. But I felt so stuck. I don’t know what happened that broke the cycle, but I’ve realized that I’m so tired of living like that. I knew I needed change. That’s why I’m here.

I told Simon all these things. He did actually call me, and we’ve connected on a pretty deep level already. It’s like I feel like I’ve found someone who will listen to me and not try to make me feel bad for it. He’s pretty much a legend. We’re not really together, but I think there’s something there. He’s giving me the idea that he likes to take things slow, and I think that sounds good. He’s been coming in for a coffee about 3 times a week, and we’ve had dinner once and a few drinks.  If I’m honest, I’m smitten, but I’m a little scared, because I want to make sure things don’t turn out the way they did with my last boyfriend. I’m different now, though, so maybe that will make the difference. And Simon is different, too. It’s all changed now. It’s all new for me. And I don’t want that feeling to stop.

Did I have to meet him?

This bloke comes into the shop. He’s all smiling and flirting as he orders his coffee. I’m flattered, but I didn’t want any hint of any kind of anything this early. But I do such a poor job at ignoring someone who’s paying me some attention. Doesn’t any girl find that hard?

So, we chat a bit after I make his latte since he’s the only one at the counter. He’s got these gorgeous huge eyes I couldn’t stop looking at. And we actually had good conversation, because he seems to be a bit more intelligent than the average fellow around here. But he makes me nervous. I mean, maybe it’s a good nervous. I’m not saying I couldn’t use a new friend right now, but I know myself, and I fall hard like a tree when it’s cut down. He asked for my mobile number, and I actually gave it to him. I guess I’ll see what happens if he calls.

And his name is Simon, by the way.

3 weeks down.

Right, so, moving to Brighton has turned out to be a decent experience. Natalie, the girl I met through the flatmate website is fine enough. She’s a uni student studying Psychology. I can’t help but to think she’s analyzing me every minute! Actually, she’s been v cool about helping me fit in around here. Last night, she had some friends over, and I was feeling a bit down. I had wanted just to go to my room and read or something, but she introduced me to 3 other uni students and one girl’s boyfriend right as I was about to walk away. I couldn’t right leave them, could I? So I ended up having a well good time laughing about stupid things and eating loads of sweets.

Kate Nash was at Concorde 2 Wednesday. I didn’t get to go because of work. I knew coming here without a job meant something the likes of Starbucks, but turns out, it’s actually Starbucks that just happened to be the block down from our flat. Getting to and from work is easy, but I’m working so much. I need it, obviously, but I came here for a life.

I can see something forming, (it could be a really good thing) but I only hope it doesn’t fade out as quickly as it’s approaching.